Baby Blues
by Alania Black
Summary: Remus knew when he married Sirius that he would have to sacrifice a lot. He just never realised he would have to sacrifice this.
1. Chapter 1

WARNINGS: Mpreg, slash, angst.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own it. At all. Pokes out tongue.

SUMMARY: Remus knew when he married Sirius that he would have to sacrifice a lot. He just never realised he would have to sacrifice this.

NOTES: This came from a fic something I read in the first wave of the Harry Potter Mpreg Fuh-Q-Fest. In the fic, Sirius didn't want a baby, but Remus was secretly already pregnant. Remus went and took an abortion potion after trying to persuade Sirius to consider children (he didn't tell Sirius he was pregnant). When he came back to their rooms, Sirius told him he'd gotten to thinking and he did want a baby. It was the most depressing thing I've ever read, because Remus really didn't want to get rid of the baby, and only did it because Sirius would never accept it. I decided I needed to write this.

It's different, but it does sound the same as the fic I read. It's a good fic, if a bit disturbing, and is called "Timing is Everything".

Baby Blues.

Remus curled up on the bed, instinctively wrapping himself protectively around his abdomen. It was still flat, you wouldn't know that a life was growing in there, but Remus knew, he imagined he could _feel_ the delicate life growing inside him.

It was times like this he wished he'd never married Sirius when he'd asked. He'd known at the time that he'd have to sacrifice a lot for his new husband. But his happy, optimistic side persuaded himself that his love for Sirius overcame any sacrifice on his part. Sirius was making his own sacrifices, after all. But he'd never imagined he would have to sacrifice this.

He'd tried, several times, to talk to Sirius about this. He'd brought it up two months ago when he'd felt his magic waver for the first time and he realized he was pregnant. Sirius had said no, declaring that they were too old for a baby and that they had Harry anyway, even if he was already sixteen when they adopted him.

Since then Remus had tired periodically to persuade his husband to consider having a baby. Every time he mentioned it, he was rebuffed. He had tried one final, desperate bid for his baby tonight, one that had resulted in a screaming row with his husband. His time was up.

Remus had decided two months ago, when he'd first realised he was pregnant, that he would have to abort the baby before he started showing if Sirius didn't agree. He knew, if he could see the baby-bump, he would not be able to go through with an abortion. He was pushing it now, he knew, he could feel the slight distension and hardening of his abdomen, and his resolve was already wavering. Another week and his hopes of going through with an abortion and staying with Sirius would be over.

He also needed to abort the baby before Sirius realized his desire for a child was more than just a passing idea. If Sirius knew he was pregnant, it would all be over. His husband would think Remus went behind his back. Sirius could go one of two ways; either he would "do the right thing" and have the baby, but resent it constantly for intruding on his life when he didn't want it. Or, he would divorce Remus. If that happened, Remus would lose the baby anyway - Werewolves were not legally allowed custody of any child, although their partners were. If Sirius didn't accept the child, it would be placed into care.

Remus tugged his quilt over his shoulders, wrapping himself up so much that only his tear-stained face was visible. Tiny tremors ran through his body as he sobbed for his baby and his lost dreams.

: :

Sirius ran a trembling hand through his hair. He hated it when he and Remus argued, especially when he wasn't even sure if he was right. Remus seemed really determined about having a baby, and Sirius knew that his constant rebuffing of his wishes was depressing his husband.

He sighed, Remus had been in there for half and hour now, he should be asleep. Sirius didn't want to go to bed until he was - he hated Remus giving him the cold shoulder, especially in bed. Remus had been pushing him away whenever Sirius tried to instigate anything over the last few weeks, and Sirius knew it was because of this baby thing.

He felt his heart melt and regret pang through his stomach when he slipped into the room only to see Remus curled on the bed, sobbing. He bit back tears of his own and went back into the living room. He had a lot of thinking to do.

: :

Remus went down the hall quickly, glancing over his shoulder occasionally to make sure he wasn't being watched. He knew he was being paranoid; Sirius was teaching, Harry was in class and no one came down here unless they really had to. He knew he had to be quick; Sirius was out of class in an hour and Severus' free period only lasted about another twenty minutes before he needed to prepare for his next class.

He checked the corridor one last time before knocking on the door to Severus' office.

"Lupin, what brings you here?" He asked impassively. Remus swallowed, pushing back his final misgivings.

"I... Can I come in, please?" Remus asked. Severus stepped to the side, allowing Remus in. Remus sat in one of Severus' seats, accepting his tea with shaking hands. Severus sat opposite him, studying him with a depth that made him squirm. "I need you to make a potion for me, and I need to be certain that no one - not even Sirius; especially not Sirius - will find out."

"Discretion is one of my virtues. What potion would you like me to make?"

"I need an abortion potion." Severus sat back, a contemplating look on his face.

"I can make it in two days."

"Thank -."

"I wasn't finished. I _can_ make it in two days, however I will not. The baby is not yours, Lupin, you have no rights over it. To make it for you, I would need Black's permission."

"That's why I came to you, I thought you could do this... On the side. Sirius can't know about the baby."

"Why not?"

"If he knows, he'll either throw me out or keep it without wanting it. I couldn't do that to my baby, I don't want it to be raised by a parent who doesn't want it. I've tried to persuade him to have a baby, but he doesn't want one, and he'll just resent this one and me. If he throws us out, the Ministry will take the baby into care, which is just as bad." Severus nodded.

"If my name comes up in this..."

"Only the two of us will know."

"Fine, it will be ready in two days, be here then. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a lesson to prepare."

Remus left the rooms, depression weighing him down. A small part of him had hoped that Severus would refuse and he'd have to tell Sirius. Maybe - _no, you can't go there, Remus. He won't accept the baby._

: :

Sirius entered their rooms and immediately searched for Remus. He was always here by the time Sirius' last class was finished. However, today he wasn't anywhere in sight. Sirius sat down in the living room and tackled today's essays. He wanted to talk to Remus tonight and he didn't want anything in the way.

He finished the final essay two hours later and frowned when he realized that Remus hadn't returned. He checked in the bedroom again but the Werewolf was nowhere in sight. However, a glossy magazine caught his eye - Remus hardly ever read those. He picked it up, a pang of sadness hitting him when he realised it was a baby magazine. He carried it through with him and sat in the living room, reading it slowly. He paused at a page about pregnancy, surprised to find edits in the margin. _Mood swings come early in male pregnancies due to the influx of estrogen._ _Breasts develop although they are small and will shrink. Baby born around this time, usually earlier and smaller because the body is not equipped to carry a baby. Birth Canal will grow through the back, although it is temporary and only there for the birth._

Remus really wanted this, and Sirius was dashing his dreams for no good reason.

It didn't seem so bad, actually. Sirius wasn't particularly enamored of the idea of being pregnant, but Remus would probably want to carry the baby anyway. Hmm, they would need potions for the later months, maybe Snape would be willing to make them. Sirius knew he had a soft spot for Remus, even if he still couldn't stand Sirius for long. It would be a nice birthday surprise.

A baby. Sirius had always wanted to have a family, with a baby and everything, but with his and Remus' history, and everything, he'd been scared of bringing a baby into it. But the war was over, Harry was all grown up and the timing was perfect. They'd need to move, though. Maybe they could get a house in Hogsmeade and he could Floo in for the classes.

Harry had been a nightmare for James and Lily, although they had both loved him so much. Sirius had loved the little baby as well, and Remus had been completely in awe of him. If they had decided to have a baby then... Well, it would have been a disaster, really.

But now, a baby would be perfect now, as long as Sirius put his fears aside.

: :

Remus checked his watch again, before returning to his huddled position beside the lake. His arms were wrapped around the tiny bump that was his baby, and tears ran freely down his cheeks. Half an hour. Half an hour and it would all be over.

He hadn't been able to stay in the flat, hadn't been able to face Sirius knowing that he'd be killing his child in a few hours. So he'd sat here instead, contemplating his life and what it could be like if only Sirius had accepted his wish to have a baby.

: :

Sirius strode swiftly down the hall to Snape's quarters. He'd have to talk the Slytherin Head of House into making their potions for them, and then he had a meeting with the Headmaster to discuss their options for once the baby came.

"Come in, it's - Black?" Sirius nodded and entered the room, sitting in the seat that Remus had occupied on his visit.

"Snape, I was hoping you would do us a favour." Snape raised an eyebrow and sat opposite him.

"What can I do for you?"

"I was hoping, when the time comes, you will make potions to help Remus' pregnancy along." Snape nodded, frowning in confusion.

"He told you about the baby? He said he didn't want..." Snape trailed off at the shocked look on Sirius' face.

"What baby?" He growled. Snape hesitated for a minute before telling Sirius about his meeting with Remus.

"I will, of course, do as you wish. He was looking out for the best interests of the baby, Black."

"Don't tell him I was here and do _not_ allow him to take the potion. I'll deal with this later." Snape nodded, understanding and Sirius swept out of the room, fuming as he stormed into their rooms and began planning what to say to his errant husband.

: :

Remus frowned as he let himself into the apartment. Severus had been really... Strange when he'd told Remus tat the potion wouldn't be ready for another two days. He smiled softly as he pressed a hand to his abdomen; this gave him another two days with his baby, after all.

He made to sit down in the living room when he finally noticed Sirius sitting in his favourite seat. It was the anger on his face that told Remus something wasn't right.

"Take a seat, Remus. We have a lot to discuss."


	2. Chapter 2

And here's part two! I rather like this fic, I may do sequels for it later!

Baby Blues.

Chapter Two; Problems.

Remus swallowed hard and sat down. He knew that something was wrong with his husband, and he had a terrifying idea of what it might be. Sirius paced for a few seconds, before rounding on him.

"You know it's illegal, don't you?" He growled. With a sinking felling in his stomach, Remus nodded. _How_ Sirius knew was beyond him, but he did know. "Not to mention completely immoral. It's _murder_, Rem." Remus nodded again, tears blinding his eyes. He found he was quite grateful for them, as they blurred the image of Sirius' betrayed face. They came too easily now, especially when he though about what he was going to do to the tiny life growing within him. Completely vulnerable, unable to protect itself and completely reliant on him.

"How... How did you find out?" He asked thickly. He didn't know why, at this point he was more concerned about the _what_ - _what_ would Sirius do, _what_ was going to happen to the baby, _what_ his choices were; if he'd even be left with any, which was an unusual luxury for him. He supposed that it would nag at him, best get it out now.

"Snape told me." Sirius' lips were thin in anger, his face white. He would have been stung by the fact that he had top find out from S_nape_ of all people, and it would have just added to his anger; his betrayal. Remus frowned, he'd actually believed that Severus wouldn't tell, but the man had his scruples, even if he rarely brought them into practice.

"I didn't think he'd tell you, honestly. I thought he valued his job more than that."

"He's not important. Why, Rem? You've been nagging me about having a baby for _months_, but you try to get rid of it when you finally do fall pregnant? It doesn't make sense!"

"I've been 'nagging you' for two months, Sirius. Only two months. You know I want a child, I always have, but I could put it aside for you, I mean, there was nothing pressing us to have one except time, and that's never really been on our side. But, two months ago, I discovered I was pregnant. I don't want you to just have this baby even though you don't want it, or abandoning it to the Ministry's _capable_ hands. I tried to persuade you to have a baby with me, but you continued to refuse and I knew it had to be now. I can feel it, Sirius; I can sense it pulling on my magic, I'm getting the physical symptoms - I'll start showing soon and I know I could never go through with it then. So I made my decision, it's best for everyone. I was going to have Severus prepare me another potion to take once my body had recovered which would prevent me from ever getting pregnant again." Remus' voice held a hint of desperation and sadness, but there was love there, and Sirius could tell that he truly loved the baby, and he didn't want to do this.

"I'd never abandon our child, Remus. You should know that." He seemed indignant, and more than a little upset that Remus obviously thought so little of him.

"No, but you don't _want_ it. You would always resent it for being there when you didn't want it, and you'd always resent me. You wouldn't be happy, and you'd make us all miserable. If I could raise it myself, if I wasn't so reliant on you..." It was unspoken, but Sirius registered the threat, the plea. If he could rely on himself, Remus would never have _thought _of getting rid of the baby. If Sirius didn't want it, or began to treat it wrongly, Remus would have left and raised it himself. Sirius loathed the Ministry sometimes.

"Oh Rem." Sirius breathed. Remus could see the tears on his husband's cheek, could hear the sadness in his voice.

"Don't deny it, Sirius. Two months, and you've never once wavered in your determination not to have children, and I will not bring another unloved child into this world."

"You can't say that, Remus. Look at me - look at _Harry_ - we, neither of us were loved in our childhoods. But look at us now - would you have wanted my mother to have had an abortion just because she could never love me? We've built lives for ourselves, Remus, we've built our own lives - Harry's saved the _world_. You have no right to decide whether that child should live or die, it is a _life_, a _person_. You wouldn't have murdered _me_, would you? When we first met, if you'd known the way I was raised, would you have killed me then, to put me out of my misery? And yourself. Look at everything you've done, Remus, look at who you are now. But, if everyone were to think the way you did about out baby, then you would have been killed when you were five, instead of being condemned to a life as a Werewolf. Is that what you wanted, Remus"

"N... no." Remus stuttered around a guilty sob. Sirius shook his head.

"That's exactly what you would have done. You have been given a _gift_, you've been trusted with another human _life_, and you wanted to kill it, without even giving it the chance to live? I though you were better than that, Remus."

Remus couldn't help it, as he collapsed in gut-wrenching, heart-breaking tears. Sirius knelt in front of him, wrapping him up in his arms. He held Remus as he sobbed and shook, as the guilit and hurt and unbearable sadness of the last two months tore through him. Sirius recognised one thing, as Remus trembled and cried into his shirt - if Remus had been forced to have an abortion because Sirius didn't want a baby, the man would probably never forgive Sirius, and he would certainly never forgive himself.

"Do you know it's sex?" Sirius asked. Remus choked slightly and shook his head.

"I c... couldn't bear it. Madame Pomfrey doesn't know I'm pregnant. I've been doing my own check-ups, and the baby seems fine."

"Remus, I have a confession to make." Remus looked up at Sirius sharply, concern and worry in his gaze. Sirius brushed a few stray tears away, cupping his cheek. Somehow they had ended up on the floor, Remus wrapped around Sirius and Sirius half leaning on the table. "When Snape told me, it was because he though I knew. I had gone to him, to ask him to make the potions for us, for when we are pregnant. I wanted everything to be perfect for you, before I brought it up. After our argument yesterday, I began to realise I've been looking at this all wrong. You've been pushing me, and I've been digging my heels in. Somewhere down the line I lost sight of what was actually at stake. It's not fair to you if I refuse you this dream, especially since I know we'll be good parents. You always had a comeback for any of my arguments, and I just point blank refused. But I know now that I was wrong to do that. I do want a baby with you, Remus. I shouldn't have refused you that for so long."

He wasn't really sure of Remus' reaction, it was somewhere between laughter and tears and blessed relief. He realised as his husband broke again that the man had actually expected Sirius to force the abortion or leave him on the Ministry's doorstep in the end. Sirius just held on tight as Remus rode through the overwhelming emotions.

The shudders subsided and Sirius realised that Remus had fallen asleep on him. He smiled as he brushed his husbands hair out of his face and placed a kiss on his cheek. He picked him up, noticing with some concern that he was far too light. He carried him into the bedroom and stripped him down to his boxers before laying him in the bed. Before he tuched him in, sirius couldn't resist lying his head next his abdomen. He traced a reverent hand lightly across his tummy, marveling at the tiny, almost unnoticeable bump on the thin frame. His baby was in there.

"Hey baby, I'm your daddy. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you yet, but I'm here now. God's you're so small, you're only, what, ten, eleven weeks? I think it's probably eleven. You're only the size of my finger. So small, so delicate." Sirius continued his reverent caresses, his mind caught up in the miracle deep within his husband's body.

Gods, I promise I'll protect you with my life little one. Me and your dad, we'll look after you and we'll keep you happy. You'll have everything you could ever need, I promise you. You'll never go through what we've gone through. I love you, you and your dad. I love you both so much." Sirius leaned down and kissed the "bump", before schucking his own trousers an shirt. He'd tugged the blanket up and stretched out beside Remus, but his hand was still stroking the bump. He smiled at Remus' unconscious murmur as the Werewolf rolled closer, instinctively trusting Sirius with his precious gift.

And we'll get you checked out by Madame Pomfrey tommorrow. I don't fully trust Remus' Charms work, personally." He added as a sleepy afterthough, before curling fully around his husband and the "bump" and drifting off to sleep himself.

A/N. I, upon reading this, have noticed that it's a little... strong on the issues of abortion. If it offends anyone then I wish to apologise, I don't want to push my beliefs onto anyone else.


End file.
